Monday, December 14, 2015

djakarta djadoel

Hopefully these post cards will make its way to 'Murica

A not-so-crowded monday morning

I deserved a selfie huh?

Taman Fatahillah





Sunday, December 6, 2015

1.30 am dreams : snow


When snow falls, nature listens

All i could remember about the snow is white and cold
It's comforting
It made me want to stay

Do you know that white thing called snow?
Which was probably the thing I loved & hated the most last winter

Do you know that white thing called snow?
Which made me cry because I realized I won't see it anymore in the time that I never knew when

Do you know that white thing called snow?
Which made me fall on the ground thousand times and left these little scars on my cheek

Do you know that white thing called snow?
That I finally be able to touch and see for the first time when I stopped at a highway local chain to get a peppermint hot choco. 

Do you know that white thing called snow?
That let our footprints left on the road

Do you know that white thing called snow?
That keeped me around with that grey sweater

Do you know that white thing called snow?
That i used to touch everyday in the winter
It's white and cold
It's comforting in an indescribable way

Just like your lips.
It's comforting...
in an indescribable way

And I used to touch it, 
with mine...


Friday, October 16, 2015

1 tahun lagi




Hidup setelah pulang exchange, kembali ke realita akan mimpi yang di angankan.

Banyak yang sering nanya kenapa ga kembali ke luar negeri aja..
Dude, it's not that easy.
Yep gue punya mimpi untuk kembali ke Negara si Paman bernama Sam, kalau S1 ga bisa, Amin S2 semoga bisa. Jalan setiap orang kan berbeda. 

Sekarang ini gue duduk di bangku kelas 12, SMA Cinta Kasih Tzu Chi. Kembali lagi ke realita rambut yang harus berkepang dua (untung udah potong rambut jadi lebih pendek jadi ga di kepang ;)). *Akan gue post di post berikutnya. Kembali lagi ke realita mengejar angka-angka di raport. Kembali lagi ke realita bahwa hidup gue ga berakhir di masa exchange aja. Gue masih harus fokus sama UN, dan diterima di perguruan tinggi yang gue impikan dengan biaya sendiri aka beasiswa aka Financial Aid.

Yep. Yang terakhir ini berat.. Katanya.. Tapi gue yakin gue bisa. There should be a way.

Jalan masih panjang setelah masa exchange berakhir. Kalau berasumsi bahwa dengan pergi ke luar negeri jadi siswa pertukaran pelajar sekembalinya pasti memiliki masa depan cerah yang gemilang nan mulus, itu bukan realita pastinya, tapi saya aminkan. Gue nyadar bahwa masa exchange satu tahun di Amerika Serikat adalah masa yang paling teringat dan salah satu masa yang berpengaruh besar dalam pembentukan diri gue sejauh ini. Tapi memang harus nyadar kalo itu bukan segalanya dan gue masih bukan apa-apa dibandingkan orang-orang luar biasa di luar sana yang telah banyak melakukan hal untuk berkontribusi pada masyarakat. Masa depan gue tergantung sama bagaimana gue menyiapkan diri gue sebaik mungkin dan bagaimana gue ngejalaninnya. 

In the end, semuanya kembali ke realita dan harus bersaing dengan yang lainnya bukan?

Selain itu banyak juga yang nanya jurusan.

Jurusan yang tepat mungkin undecided, sejujurnya banyak yang membuat saya tertarik akan suatu hal. Diplomasi, hubungan internasional, Computer science, nanotechnology dan masih banyak lagi. Semacam kampus jenis liberal arts colleges (kampus yang memberi pilihan bagi mahasiswanya untuk masih bisa memilih sampai tahun kedua perkuliahan) mungkin yang gue butuhkan.

Gue membanyangkan akan berada dimana gue 1 tahun dari sekarang. Banyak sekali mimpi yang ingin gue raih. Rasa khawatir akan masa depan itu tinggi. Memang kampus tidak menentukan 100% mengenai masa depan gue. Tapi gue yakin itu merupakan hal utama yang mempengaruhi kehidupan apa yang akan gue jalani nantinya. Edukasi itu membawa kedamaian dan penting banget buat gue. Lagi gue mengutip, "Education breeds confidence, Confidence breeds hope, Hope breeds peace.".

Semalam, gue baru mendapat pesan ini, beasiswa 100% DP3 di Bina Nusantara University untuk Double Degree - S1 Teknik Informatika & Statistika. Belum memutuskan dengan penuh sampai detik ini. 

Binus University itu gue akui bagus banget di jajaran Universitas Swasta, apa lagi bidang TI. 

But still, masih merasa ini terlalu dini untuk memutuskan early decision universitas yang ingin gue tuju. 

Dimanakah saya berada 1 tahun lagi?




Friday, September 18, 2015

94th day

Today is the 94th day since I went back home. It's been a tiring week, so far. 

Yesterday i read a blog post about the writer's experience on going on exchange year. I realized that things are not going easy during the exchange year nor post-exchange year.

Luckily, i had a classmate who has going through the same thing, studying abroad.
This week has been a tiring week, but i am glad i'm getting closer to her again. It's been a long time I haven't talk about exchange year.

Time has flown so fast this year huh.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Keluarga

"Keluarga adalah rumah bagi hati yang lelah dan siap untuk mengikat hubungan, tanpa hubungan darah sekalipun".


*****

Saya menyukai melihat hubungan antar individual. Itu mencerminkan jati diri manusia yang sejati. Sangat menarik bahwa ketika saya menjalani masa exchange saya di Amerika Serikat, saya menemukan suatu fakta bahwa bahasa juga dapat mengubah sikap seseorang. Ketika saya berbicara bahasa Indonesia, saya cenderung menjadi "Ellen" yang bebas dan asal nyeletuk. Ketika saya berbicara bahasa inggris, saya cenderung lebih sopan dan menghargai hal kecil. Ketika saya berbicara bahasa Mandarin, saya cenderung kalem (karena kemampuan Mandarin saya masih perlu ditingkatkan). 



Selain bahasa, hubungan adalah salah satu hal penting yang mempengaruhi kepribadian seseorang. Hubungan keluarga dengan suatu individual berperan besar dalam pembentukkan karakter masing-masing. Biasanya, keluarga yang harmonis mempunyai peluang lebih tinggi untuk membesarkan anaknya dengan baik dibandingkan dengan keluarga yang memiliki masalah-masalah sosial.

Saya memperhatikan bagaimana teman-teman saya tumbuh. Masalah-masalah yang mereka hadapi lambat laun dapat menumpuk dan menghancurkan diri mereka. Namun, saya mendapat pelajaran kehidupan bahwa seseorang yang biasa menghadapi masalah di lingkungan sekitarnya lebih siap dan kuat secara mental ketika berhadapan dengan masyarakat. Layaknya batu yang ditetesi air akan rapuh perlahan-lahan terkikis namun tajam bagaikan belati.

Saya bersyukur saya memiliki keluarga yang mengerti dan mendengarkan saya. Sebagai anggota dari keluarga, cenderung ingin didengar. Padahal kunci utama adalah komunikasi, saling mendengarkan (didengar dan mendengar). Kami biasanya berbagi cerita mengenai aktivitas setiap harinya setidaknya pada jam makan malam. Itu merupakan hal simpel, namun berarti besar bagi pembentukkan karakter setiap individual dan juga membangun hubungan batin yang baik dalam keluarga.

Tidak banyak keluarga yang masih menyempatkan berbagi cerita di kala luang. Saya bertanya kepada diri saya, perlukah orang tua sebagai pemimpin keluarga mendapatkan parenting class dalam memimpin suatu keluarga terutama dalan mendidik anaknya? Perlukah adanya komunitas-komunitas yang membahas Parenting Issue? Tentu perlu. Anak yang luar biasa lahir dari keluarga yang berjuang bersama.

Tapi apakah hanya orang tua? Tentu tidak, kita sebagai anak juga harus mau membuka diri dan berbagi keluh kesah. 

Karena keluarga adalah tempat dimana hati ini berlabuh ketika angin tak sampai menghapus jejak-jejak kaki yang kau tinggalkan, ketika hujan tak sanggup membawa air mata itu mengalir, ketika awan tak sanggup menutupi sang mentari ketika diri ini lelah. 

Akan ada masa dimana keluarga akan berjalan bermasamu dengan peluh bercucuran ketika kau telah berjuang.





Friday, August 14, 2015

Little Thing I Need : Support

My ankle was injured yesterday, meanwhile i'm in Paskibra and i gotta bring the flag Wooooooo 🙌

It sucks, but this little thing made my day.
I found it on my desk after I had a super long training for the ceremony.

Thanks friend, i really appreciate it. It's the sweetest thing ever that i got this week.

Words are stronger than what you think



Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Homeward Bound


...
Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

If you find it's me you're missing
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listening,
And in the road I'll stop and turn

Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again
...

Homeward Bound - Mormon Tabernacle Choir 


Pagi ini aku mendapat pesan kembali dari Mom, seperti biasanya. Lega rasanya ketika tahu operasi Mom sudah selesai. Tadi pagi perasaan gundah itu masih ada. Aku berangkat ke sekolah seperti sedia kala. Kulanjutkan membaca bacaan singkat mengenai pengalaman seseorang yang juga baru berkelana dan mengalami sindrom Homesick part 2. Aku tenggelam dalam bacaan itu, teringat sosok Mom yang sedang menjalani perawatan di rumah sakit. Salah satu temanku membuyarkan lamunanku walau aku sedang memegang buku, memerintahkanku untuk menyiapkan barisan karena bel akan berdering sebentar lagi. Aku hanya diam dan tidak menggubris, dia mulai meneriakkiku dengan kata yang aku rasa tidak pantas. Aku memandangnya dan berkata, "Nanti aja, beri saya waktu". Dia diam, akupun terdiam juga. Tak lama dia tetap meneriakiku lagi secara tidak sopan, lagi.

Rasa kesal itu ada, bercampur dengan rasa rindu yang sudah tak terbendung. Ivana datang dan memberikanku pelukan. 

She literally knew what I need. She was standing right next to me while I was sitting on the chair. My head was under her chest. I couldn't handle my self so I just cried while I hugged her. She asked me if I was comfortable talking about it in the girls restroom. I heard the same guy that yelled at me earlier saying, "Cengeng" with a Woooo sound. If i were him, I would just shut my mouth up, like seriously can you not?

I haven't talk about what I felt about my post-exchange feeling to anybody in real person. Not that I don't have time about it. It's just I haven't met the right person to talk about it, or might be right situation. Like I don't wanna cry and be that melting-cheesy kind of person in front of someone that I barely know. And it's my problem, not their problem. Most people only interested in these kinds of questions "How do you ngehedon in US?" , "Wah jalan-jalan mulu nih", "Cerita dong seru yaa". I don't wanna give them a bad impression about my experience in US. I realize that people always expect more, and I don't wanna lower their expectation. I guess, even my mom and my sister are too tired to listen to this melancholy part of Ellen. 

Ivana was the right person, she is my close friend and she has been through the same thing. We talked for a while, she let me talk and I appreciated that. It's true that adapting post-exchange is more difficult than adapting during the exchange year itself. Most people in my host-community understood when I cried because I miss my family so much, because they knew that I left home. I remember that day I was in choir class, Aurora (an exchange student from Norway) was crying when we sang Homeward Bound. Most of the choir student supported and gave her a hug. FYI, It was a big class with about 90 people.
Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again

 I realize that it is different now. Like people won't think that I miss another home, they knew that  I am home already. This is my home. But I knew that I had another home.

Home is where the heart is
- The Hobbit


Thanks those people who made me stronger day by day.


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Kembali

Musim Gugur

Musim dingin

Musim Semi




Pagi ini aku terbangun, aku memandang langit-langit kamarku dan terpampang bendera merah putih di atas kepalaku. Kulihat jua lemari tepat diseberang pandanganku. Aku menyadari bukan tembok pink atau hijau lagi yang kulihat di sekeliling, bukan kamar yang biasa aku tempati. Ada piala cross country terpajang di sana, dengan bingkai foto keluargaku di samping. Disusul bendera Bob Marley milik hostdad ku tergantung di lemari buku kecil di sudut pintu.

Aneh..
Sudah hampir setahun lamanya aku di sini, ada rasa haru yang memuncak. Joule yang biasanya bersembunyi di bawah kasurku, duduk di pangkuanku. Kucing hitam berbulu lebat ini hanya bermain dengan ekornya. Kuelus kepalanya yang lembut. Hostmom mengetuk pintu kamarku seperti biasa. "Ellen", panggilnya. Ia datang dengan koper di sebelah kanannya memelukku selamat datang kembali. Aku menangis menyadari bahwa aku kembali ke rumah lainku, tempat dimana aku memiliki keluarga keduaku, bertemu orang baru-baru yang tentunya menjadi bagian dari hidupku. 


Aku menyadari bahwa itu hanyalah buah tidur. Aku terbangun di kamarku sesungguhnya dengan cat pink & hijau. Tidak ada lagi bendera Bob Marley tergantung di lemari buku. Tidak ada lagi lemari putih yang berada di seberang tempat tidurku. Mamaku membangunkanku dari mimpiku. Ikatan hubungan suatu tempat dan antar individual memang amat kuat. Sempat menyadari bahwa mimpi tersebut amat nyata.

Columbia, Maryland memang rumahku. Bandung dan Tangerang juga adalah rumahku. Tahun ini, aku mempunyai keluarga baru yang menyambutku dan membiarkanku menjadi bagian dari keluarga mereka dengan kasih yang setia. Aku bertemu banyak orang di lingkungan baik di sekolah yang membuatku menyadari bahwa banyak hal di dunia ini yang indah, terlebih perbedaan. Aku mengingat hari pertama menginjakkan kaki di Amerika Serikat, 12 Agustus 2014, tepat satu tahun lalu, kaki ini gemetar karena tak percaya buah perjuangan ini terbayar sudah, menandakan perjalanan baru dalam hidupku akan dimulai. Tak disangka sudah satu tahun lamanya.

Banyak orang bertanya apa yang aku rasakan mengenai kepulangan, semangatkah? Sedihkah? Atau menyesal? Tentu bercampur aduk. Aku bersyukur bahwa aku telah kembali bertemu dengan keluargaku dan teman-teman yang lama tak jumpa. Tapi tak dipungkiri bahwa rasa sedih itu ada.

Memang jika dipikir kembali, apakah yang lebih susah? Membangun kehidupan selama 16 tahun dan meninggalkannya untuk 1 tahun berkelana. Atau membangun kehidupan selama 1 tahun dan meninggalkan itu untuk selamanya.

Namun aku menyadari bahwa tidak ada hal yang konstan selamanya. Banyak aspek dalam hidup ini yang sementara. 

Mengutip kutipan dari Tere Liye,
" Bolehkah menyatakan kerinduan? 
Perasaan kepada seseorang?
Tentu saja boleh. 
Tapi jika kita belum siap untuk mengikatkan diri dalam hubungan yang serius, 
ikatan yang bahkan oleh negara pun diakui dan dilindungi, 
maka sampaikanlah perasaan itu pada angin saat menerpa wajah, 
pada tetes air hujan saat menatap keluar jendela, 
pada butir nasi saat menatap piring, 
pada cicak di langit-langit kamar saat sendirian dan tak tahan lagi hingga boleh jadi menangis. "

Disana, aku selalu mempunyai tempat untuk mengadu ketika merindukan keluarga dan teman-teman di tanah air. Jembatan ini terletak di dekat halaman belakang rumah host-family ku.

Dari musim gugur, musim dingin hingga musim semi, tampaknya berbeda. Ketiganya indah, namun kumenyadari bahwa keindahannya masing-masing bersifat sementara. Walaupun kondisinya berbeda, tetap memiliki makna tersendiri bagiku.


Banyak hal yang membuatku merasa kecewa. Tapi aku menyadari bahwa lebih banyak lagi hal yang membuatku tersenyum dan bersyukur akan apa yang terjadi.


PS : Aku sudah mulai menulis jurnal kembali di blog. Silahkan http://ciamique.blogspot.com/ 
link unicornflakes sudah tidak berlaku.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

See you soon

Tomorrow I am going to leave Maryland. The time is come, this exchange year is almost closer to the end. I made a lot of good friends that i will keep forever. Columbia is another place that i could call home. This year, I have a family that welcome me and let me in to their house as a part of the family. I met a lot of teachers and coaches in Oakland Mills High School that taught me something more than just a lesson, I learned about being my self during my exchange year. Thankyou Bina Antarbudaya, AFS Baltimore Area Team, YES program, and US Dept. of State that gave me the opportunity to get a scholarship and being an exchange student in US. I am grateful for friends and family that support my exchange year. It's sad to think how the year going by so fast. I wish i could stay here longer. I always remember the beginning of the exchange year where I feel like I am an alien that just moved to a new community. Now it feels different, i don't want to leave soon. All of you are so nice. This year will be the year to remember. Today I threw a coin in a wishing well with a friend of mine. I wish I could throw coin again in the same wishing well, I want to go back to Columbia again.

Some people asked me what I feel, am I ready to go back home, am I excited, am I sad, etc. I got a lot of similiar questions. It's hard to explain. It's true that I am excited to see my natural family that I have never seen in a year. In the same time, i am sad that i have to said goodbye to all the people I have met here. But that's a part of exchange year. 

This week has been a fun week. There are couple things that makes me sad, but there are miliion things that makes me happy. I am glad i am around the people that I love and love me. 

I have already said goodbye to the people that I met the last couple daysthat I wouldn't be able to see anymore before I leave. It made me cry and I didn't like to admit it. 

Someone told me something yesterday, "You are crying because it is worth it". 

Thankyou so much.

Wish to see you all in Indonesia.
I am going to miss you all.

- Livia Ellen, an indonesian exchange student in Columbia, MD, US
OMHS '15
#ciamique




I am packing right now, it's sad to take everything off the wall.
Wish i could just pack America and bring it home to Indonesia.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Metaphor

'Murica.
That's where I am right now. I wonder what I am gonna feel the next few days when I am not here anymore.

After the farewell party yesterday, i start to realize i am not gonna be here anymore. I won't see the faces that I see everyday.

I have a lot of things to say to all people that i know the whole year. I want to stay keep in touch with them. I want to keep them. There is a time that i will always remember where I am belong to. Home. But i think i found where i am belong, here... 

 I am excited for going back to see all my friends and family back home. But, in the same time i want to stay here longer. I am selfish. Yeah.. If i could trade something for more time here, sure I will. 

Today is the only day I am not doing anything with anybody after the past few weeks. There were two different groups that invite me to do something tonight. But i was so afraid that I could not say yes. I was afraid that I am going to cry all day. 

Today I went to different places in Columbia. I took a bus and just go to a lot of places that I wanted to be. I went to Blandair, Lake Elkhorn, Columbia Lake Front, Patuxent River, the little park at King Contrivance, someone's house and some stores at Snowden River Parkway. I also walked to the bridge that I always visit everytime I miss home. Today I went there because I am going to miss "this" home. 

I was so close that I could just stopped by and say hi. But i was so afraid that I am not gonna be able to do that. So I just left. I left nothing behind. 

I just played piano. Music makes me feel better. My hostmom realize that I didn't talk at all. She suddenly sat next to me and hugged me. I kept playing music and she said it is okay.
But the fact is, it is not okay and i am not ready to leave.
Releasing lantern is just a metaphor. I still have them in my heart. 

I can't pretend that I am okay. 

This is what I feel right now.
video
Mom asked me what I was playing. I said that was my feelings. There was no piano sheet I looked at, there was no song. That was just what I felt. Randomly playing to cheer me up.


I just gonna take a walk to my bridge.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Kenangan

Hai!
Apa kabar?! 10 days to go.
Ughh i hate counting but this one it's true. I have too. Going to Japan in a week but i have no excitement, yet. I wish I could go to Germany tho. This week has been a blast. It feels good but sad in the same time. It's bittersweet. I spent a lot of time with people I love. It's good lo love and to be loved. It just make you feel like a person. This week has been a busy week; going to the zoo, bowling, graduation party, sneaking in to the house couple times, six flags, school, releasing lantern, movie night, game night, geocaching, swimming, cooking with friends, shopping with auntie, etc.
It's just too much for a week. Lately, i came home super late, or early maybe, 2 or 3 am in the morning. I am glad my hostmom is okay because she trusted me and who i was going with. One night, I and brittany were sneaking in to the house at 2 am. Our friends dropped us off at my house. It was a rainy cold night, i don't have a key. So i decided to go to the my backyard with the big spookie trees to find another key. And yes we succeded without any lights. The lightning was so loud. We came in and she took her carkey that she left inside my room. 

I did something different with my room. I used to put some big posters on the other side of my room, the wall that is close to the door in my bedroom. I moved it to the wall that is right next to my bedroom. So i could see it every day and remember it before I left. Brittany was looking at the pictures that I had . She looked at 1 picture and asked me why I still keep that picture. I told her thay it's a memory, i might not be a keeper, but i have memories, it is something to be keeped.

It's called as Kenangan. All of them matters to me.


Thursday, May 28, 2015

Goodbye

Halo Ciamique fellas!
Apa kabar? Howdy? Como estas?

It's been a while since the last time i post something in my journey. I just suddenly woke up. My sleeping schedule is really bad. I woke up every 2 hours i guess. But this time, it is because another night mare that I had. 

I have never wrote anything on my journal for a long time. I can not find it. I ended up writing it here. So here it is.

In my dream, i woke up on my bed, my own bed in my own bed room in Indonesia with some people that I knew in US. The room was very dark, it was raining. I could smell how it was. The people just stood there around my bed talking to another people. I saw them and tried to wake up and reach them, but they are ignoring me. I saw a guy who kept staring at me. And i couldn't help my self to get away from that stares and look at something else. 

and he said "Good bye".


Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Perasaan

Bolehkah menyatakan kerinduan? 
Perasaan kepada seseorang?
Tentu saja boleh. 
Tapi jika kita belum siap untuk mengikatkan diri dalam hubungan yang serius, 
ikatan yang bahkan oleh negara pun diakui dan dilindungi, 
maka sampaikanlah perasaan itu pada angin saat menerpa wajah, 
pada tetes air hujan saat menatap keluar jendela, 
pada butir nasi saat menatap piring, 
pada cicak di langit-langit kamar saat sendirian dan tak tahan lagi hingga boleh jadi menangis.

Dan jangan lupa, 
sampaikanlah perasaan itu pada yang maha menyayangi.
Semoga semua kehormatan perasaan kita dibalas dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik.
Semua kehati-hatian, 
menghindari hal-hal yang dibenci, 
akan membawa kita pada kesempatan terbaik. 

Semoga.

- kutipan dari Tere Liye

Cherry Blossom in DC

Thursday, March 5, 2015

3 Stages of Love



You don't know where your feelings gonna take you

3 Stages of Love : Suka, Sayang, Cinta

There is a big difference between English and Bahasa (Indonesian). Actually, I am pretty sure some languages have its own difference.


So, i found an interesting article about Suka, Sayang, and Cinta. Well there's 2 more called Kasih and Naksir.

But maybe Kasih is categorized with Sayang. Naksir is categorized with Suka.

Meanwhile, in English they just called those 3 words as Love. That's so difference, isn't it? 

These 3 stages of love that i am going to talk about is a kind of love that tou feel when you are falling in love with a guy or a girl. Not the kind of love that you have with your family, sibling and friends( well sometimes it works).


Suka is when you see someone and you will say that she is nice, beautiful, and you like him/her. But it's not like you are having a crush, it's more than that. And you DO like him/her.


Sayang is when you look at someone, you like them, you are happy for them, and you just Sayang them. It's not just suka. There is something more that you will be happy when they are happy. It doesn't matter when the person you sayang loves somebody else, not you. You are just happy for them.

Cinta is more than Sayang and Suka. Probably, i could call it as Love. Love is when you look at him/ her. You will realize that He/She is the best thing that God has given to you. Im feeling like it's uncommon to love somebody that you don't even know. 


When you suka someone, you will try to get their attention.
When you sayang someone, you just let them in if they want to. Just sayang them and make them happy.
When you cinta someone, you will wait.

When someone you suka hurt you, you will get mad for whatever reason. 
When someone you sayang hurt you, you will cry for him/her. 
When someone you cinta hurt you, you will say it's okay, He/She just didn't know what He/She did.

Suka is getting.
Sayang is giving.
Cinta is loving..

I've never been in Cinta. Most teenager nowadays used Cinta/Love when they did not really mean it. Or English just didn't have that translation.
I had a boyfriend before, but it's just sayang. Cinta is a strong word.




2 days ago, i saw this couple at school.
No, they are not the kind of couple that everybody know in the school. It's just sweet when i walked behind them and looking at them from behind with the same walking rhythm. And they compliment each other how they have the same hair style right now. I did not say it's goal. It's just one of adorable couple moment.


So, no matter what you feel someone, either it is Suka, Sayang, and Cinta. Just go ahead. It makes you happy.
Because being happy is good 

Somehow, im somewhere between Sayang and Cinta





Monday, March 2, 2015

Reason




Mount Vernon, Baltimore healed me.
I felt home when I was in Baltimore. It's not as crowd as Jakarta, but I love it.

I went to Stephanie's boyfriend's apartment in Baltimore. Stephanie is my AFS-liaison's daughter. She took me walking around Baltimore. I love them. They made me feel better today, they took me to an Indian  restaurant. They have good food there, all-you-can-eat buffet is the best ✌️.

Yes, i ate a lot!

After we had lunch, we decided to go back to her boyfriend's apartment. But I found a Mount Vernon map in front of a building. I decided to walk around Baltimore. Fortunately, Stephanie wanted to stick with me and show me around. We stopped by at George Washington Statue. I loved the buildings there, and the churches.

The church is beautiful and peaceful. 
I remember that church, mosque, or temple are home for eveybody. 
You know you always have home that will welcome you. Church is one of the home.









I also met Pancake when I was hanging out there. Pancake is Stephanie's and her Boyfriend's dog. They addopted him. Isn't he cute? 



I found a funny unusual thing today when i was in grocery store. The sign "Consumer in Training" and the little kid with the tiny cart is so cute!


Today was a beautiful sunny day, would we have 2 hours delay tomorrow?

The girl in the back helped us push the cart and worked for the tips, unusual thing that I saw in the US. I talked to her and she said sometimes she earmed $50 per hour. Interesting huh?




feel much better tonight.
There's no a bad day, it's just a bad mood.

And there is always a reason behind the grumpy face and a bad mood. ✌️

The Fear of Losing



Yesterday night I took a walk.
Yes, a night walk.
It's so cold but the beauty of the frozen trees that I saw make me realize I need to get out from the house and take some pictures.

My obsession of photograph is more than anything else in the past 6 months. I want to keep the memories in a photograph. 





I realized that people may be gone, but the photograph will be the same no matter what is going to happen.

I tried to be happy this weekend. My friend back home (Indonesia) was in the hospital. I was worried, but i am trying to make my self feel good. Be happy. 
Because being happy is good.

Yesterday everything was fine, i saw the beautiful frozen trees. I watched Grey's Anatomy. I talked to the person that made me happy. I made Valentine's Day Card with my stage crew friends. Not to mention that i fell 4 times yesterday and I waited outside till my host-brother woke up to open the door. But that was okay. Everything was awesome.. 

Until I knew that my close friend that I knew for a half of my life is coma. I just can't handle it. I wish I was there,
It hurts,
I am afraid,
Everyday I always heard someone asked me how I am, I always said i am okay.
I realized that when people said 'How are You?' It's just the way they said Hello and Goodbye. People said how are you in a hallway, class, and home without really care about how someone's feeling is.

Maybe 'are you okay' is the actual question to ask 'how are you'.

This morning is peaceful. Me and my host-parent just gazed at the window and look at the frozen trees are melting. I felt good, really.. 
They asked me how I am, and i told them i was okay. I don't wanna screw their beautiful morning.
Then they left, going to work. I took my 1989 album that my host grandpa gave me in Christmas. I played piano to make me feel better. Taylor's song didn't make me feel home. 

I took my guitar and played  'Melompat Lebih Tinggi'. I was home alone,  i feel free to sing out loud. My host Mom went home, she was crying and I don't know what happened. I hugged her and she told me that gandpa just passed away. I'm not really close to grandpa but i feel sorry for him. It hurts, i haven't felt this for a long time, the fear of losing.

I wish i did not know what happened, i'm feeling like I just want to runaway. I don't want to see her crying. I don't want this feeling. I am afraid of losing more people.

Thankyou for people that cared about me.
I feel blessed.
I just need time for today.
I wish Baltimore will heal me


Sunday, March 1, 2015

Hai Mamasay



On Tuesday, February 24, We have challenge day in the school. The group leader asked us to write something to the person that we want to talk to.

My friends wrote the letter to their mom, dad, ex-friend(crazy? Huh. Why there is such a thing called as ex-friend), boyfriend, girlfriend, enemy, etc.

I wrote it to my mamasay.

Bahasa( Indonesian)

Hai mamasay,

Ellen kangen mama.
Makasih mama udah jadi mama yang luar biasa buat saya.
Livia bangga punya mama. 
Livia ga akan jadi kaya sekarang tanoa mama.

Maaf selama ini kalau Livia ngecewain mama. Hari ini 24 Feb 2015. Livia udah 6 bulan 13 hari jauh sama mama.
Livia bangga sama mana dan Lidia sana papa.
Saya mau kita tetep bareng-bareng susah & sedih.
Ellen sayang mama.
Saya harap saya bisa main gitar buat mama.
Saya baik-baik saja..

English

Hi mamasay,
Ellen(I) miss you.
Thanks for being an amazing mama(mother) for me.
Livia(I) is proud of mama.
Livia(I) will not be who I am today without mama.

I'm sorry that I made you dissapointed (for the stupid things I have done). Today is Feb 24, 2015.
Livia (I) have been far away from you and home for 6 months and 13 days. Livia(I) is proud of Mama (mother), Lidia (mu sister's name) and Papa(father). I want us to be together even in our worst day and the saddest day (it sounds weird in english).
Ellen (I) sayang(it means sort of love, but it's not love, love in Bahasa is Cinta) mama.
I wish i could play guitar for you (right now).
I am doing okay

***

P.S : Mamasay is the way i call my mother, It stands for Mama-Sayang, the dearest Mother. 

Thankyou for the question that inspired me to post this letter :)
You know someone means a lot to yoh when he/she is far away from you.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Adventurous

I just got the email from CaroLily. That is the word they used to call themselves in the email. Caroline & Lily are two important AFS-USA Sponsored Program Coordinator that always send a remainder to fill out the Exchange Student Survey so i could get the stypends money each month.

They also included the words we used to describe our experience so far! They picked a word that people submit last month! Mine is Adventurous.



It's an adventurous journey.I saw a lot of new things. When I just got here, I kinda feel like I was an Alien. William, Jasleen's 5 years old host-brother even agreed with it by mispronouncing my name as Alien, not Ellen -_-

Adventurous...
It has been a busy week, I need a refreshing. Spending time with friends probably.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Warm Kind of Coldness

After school, I went home and took my camera. I was thinking to get a Peppermint hot chocolate at Starbucks in The Mall at Columbia. Peppermint makes me feel better somehow. Yeah I want to starbucks for the Peppermint Hot Chocolate and the view. You could call me basic, but seriously Peppermint is the best.

I waited the bus near the Food Lion. I stood there for 15 minutes, it was -2° C. I couldn't wait any longer. I decided to walk to the mall because no bus came. I don't need to tell you what is going on at the Mall, it's a regular mall day. The peppermint hot chocolate and the pictures that I took today highlight my day anyway. 

The sun was about to say good bye. I went to the bus stop and stood beside the old man that were smoking cigarette, It feels home. If I knew that person well, i wanted to take the cigarette and smoked it. I miss Jakarta and its lifestyle, really..

I asked him which bus was going to the west. The old man was confused. But he told me anyway, i took a bus and ended up at the bus stop around Laurel. I was catching up the sunset. The view was beautiful and ciamique. 

I realized I need to go back home. So i took the brown bus to go to Oakland Mills Village Center. I sat in a seat next to the window on the bus today. After the bus moved, I saw the bus stop get smaller and smaller until I couldn't see that anymore. It was an orange sky with white clouds. The white snow reflects the sunset. 

Time flew so fast...

All i could think was how peaceful it was, how beautiful it was, how comfortable it was, how grateful i was to be here and looked at the sky. If it were possible to jump out of the bus, I couldn't imagine how fresh the air out there. It might be the warm kind of coldness.

The bike path behind my house.


I am grateful for the time I had here.
For the smile from the strangers that they gave to me,
For the cigarrete burning sounds that I heard today,
For the bus driver that letting me have a peaceful moment in a bus,
For the old man that tell me how to go West,
For the people that said they were okay,
For God that letting me to see the sky.

Dear friends



Dear friends

It has been 6 months and 14 days since i left.
Nothing is the same.
But I'm glad that i'm here. I finally publish a blog post since I arrived here. I always write a journal though. So that I could read it someday.

USA is wonderful. I met a lot of wonderful people that has beautiful personalities. I am doing okay here. Thou' this past month have been the hardest moment of my exchange year here. Nothing is wrong, I am okay because I have nice friends and a lovely second family that cheered me up. So, Don't you worry about me. 

To be honest, I am afraid of losing you, I am afraid of losing my self. I am afraid if i will not be who i am today, tomorrow , 2 days from now, next month, the next 2 months, and the day when I am coming back. 

I am afraid of losing people, here. I built my life there for 16 years and leave it for a year. I'm gonna get it back soon.

But, i'm building my life here for a year and i'm gonna leave it forever. 

Which one do you think is harder? 

I don't want to go back right now. But I want to see you soon.
 
Don't you worry...
We still see the same sky anyway...

I am doing okay. 

-Liv