It has been a while after I recovered from my illness. I haven't got my self together yet as when I was normal, I mean.. in my normal state. 

I couldn't recall what it was and how I felt about the people around me because I just felt I was so empty those days when I was sick.

So, At the beginning of March until the beginning of May, it was my rollercoaster kind of days. The difference was unlike what Augustus Waters said in The Fault in Our Stars, mostly it was the rollercoaster that only goes down, or at least sometimes it was running straightly across my days & nights on the hospital bed.

That strange kind of feeling began when I went back to college. My faculty campus never looked so mesmerizing as I saw it that moment. Probably I just missed my life back then so much. Life was so different after spending approximately a month and a half between the hospital bed and my bedroom. I mean I did not go anywhere, except that one time my friend kidnapped me to go to the mall. LOL. I asked him to kidnap me / take me to the mall, in my sick sweater and hospital slippers.

I realize that people come and go, so does feeling, so does how we relate to other people. I realize I am not good in keep in touch. During 2 months I missed my college life, it was difficult for me to catch up with everything. I missed my college classes, moments with friends, my mid term, basically everything. My house is like 2 hours driving from the college. I used to stay near my university (and still I am). But when I was sick, I did not. So, basically the life before I was sick was everything that have to deal with my college. 

It was started on the 3rd of March where I felt that it was the worse week ever because I have never felt so much pain and nausea during the last couple months or years. I did not realize till a doctor told me I had a cold & fever. I skip college classes every other day or every 2 days during the first 2 weeks of March. I keep doing my things to do because I was just used to do that, and I thought it was just period cramps and fever perhaps. I wished I followed the doctor instruction to get a blood test once none of the medicines did not work, but I didn't.

In the last week of March, I only come to 1 class in a week. I figured out something is wrong with me. Then I go to the nearest hospital, 10 mins uber ride from Lotus House, the kosan where I live. I went straight to the emergency room, They gave me oxigen, told me I was 38.9 C, got my blood checked and I asked them if they would do typhoid test for me. They did the complete blood test and Widal Test.

Screw them.
They said i was okay.

10 hours after that, I saw my mom visited my kosan and telling me i gotta go to the hospital. I told her I did. But she told me I had to go again.

I went to Tzu Chi Hospital, near my house.
They figured out i had typhoid fever. Stayed there for a week, the doctor told me again, something was wrong. It was not just typhoid. I got my blood checked every other day. 6 injections , either for meds or blood test in a week, USG test.

I ended up skipping midterm exam and went back to college after one and a half month , back and forth between hospital, lab and my bedroom.

There she is, standing up fearless with her imperfectness,

still..

sharing the lights for the broken one(s).

They said,

Yes it does bring me happiness if I were able to reach it. It is a 2 am confession. I have been running away from everything recently, my responsibilities, my family, my hobbies, my friends and those people that I really trust that I usually share my thoughts with.

Freshman year has started, I came to my college classes. Some of them are so interesting, some are not really. I sorta feel that I am not belong here, in this place nor this situation.

I never thought I would end up here as an UI student. No, I am not saying there is something wrong with UI as the college I attend now. It's just there is something wrong with me. I want something different.